Thursday, September 24, 2009

It's a Sonic for dinner day

It's been a day from you-know-where. You ever have those? I am at my end, quite literally. I can only wear so many hats, I can only be in so many places at once, I can only be so much to so many people. I really need a multiplier. Something to create about 3-4 of me. Then I'd be golden.

Today's frustration centers around that I have to work outside my home. The number of mouths we have to feed on a daily basis demands it. It's just our lot in life, it's where we're at right now. And I have a great part-time job. I have the most patient, understanding boss who puts up with sharing me more often than he should probably have to. I work with great ladies who make me smile and are uplifting. It's NICE to get away from home and my daily chaos from time to time and just do mindless shuffling of papers. And yet it's such a burden too.

Hubby and I swap childcare. So when he works I watch the kids and when I work he watches the kids. Since his job is more demanding and mine is more flexible, I basically work around his schedule. That's a blessing and at the same time a curse. I'm tired of trying to squeeze my hours in, tired of trying to be a good employee who's worth her paycheck while still juggling and balancing my responsibilities at home. I'm tired of passing hubby in the night. I really feel like I'm stretched to my capacity, and I'm not doing anything well. That's the worst part. I just don't compartmentalize well. When I'm at work I'm thinking about how I'm missing out on time with the princesses and hubby, I'm thinking about the laundry that needs to be done or what we're having for dinner. When I'm at home I'm thinking about how I'm going to get my work hours in or how I'm going to have enough time to finish what I need to. So neither place gets my full attention and being the perfectionist that I am, that sucks.

So now I find myself approaching the end of a miserable day where I feel like I've given half of myself to work and half of myself to home and neither place has gotten 100%. It's the sort of day where I'll just eek through doing only what's required of me and hope I don't screw things up. These sorts of days inevitably end with dinner out. It's like my one bright spot. I can feed my family without making a mess in the kitchen. A mess that I have to clean up. The princesses are happy because they get a toy with their meal, I'm happy because I don't have to deal with it, I can just eat. Happiness found in a Wacky Pack. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe it will come with a toy in the bag.

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