Two Weeks Postpartum

What not to say to the new mom that is two weeks postpartum:

(this is for you R!)

1. "It took you nine months to pack that weight on, you'll carry it around for at least 9 more months." (yeah, because a two week postpartum mommy LOVES to be reminded that she looks fat)

2. "I think the washing machine stopped. Let me hold the baby so you can get the laundry." (um, no. The two week postpartum mommy has immunity from any and all household chores. YOU get the laundry)

3. "Oh, just wait until..." (yes, we know that anyone who has been on the journey called parenthood at least a day longer than the two week postpartum mommy is going to have horror stories. It does not make you an expert, so be quiet. No one wants to hear about your sore nipples or projectile throw up)

4. "It's your turn." (two week postpartum daddies: don't go there)

5: "Before you know it that baby will be all grown up." (I'm guilty of this one. Truth is, yes, time passes. But the two week postpartum mommy is lucky if she knows which day it is now, why burden her with reality just yet?)

6: "You're nursing?? That's gross!" or "You're formula feeding? You're poisoning your baby!" (not your decision. Get over it)

7: "I didn't even feel my contractions. I just pushed once and the baby was here!" (Just like no two week postpartum mommy wants to hear your horror stories, she likewise doesn't want to hear about your perfect labor, perfect recovery, how you wore your regular jeans home from the hospital, how your perfect baby slept 8 hours at night from day one, etc. etc. etc. Besides, you know what they say about karma...)

8: "You know, it's not about you anymore." (what do you mean? Of course it's about the two week postpartum mommy. the mommy gets to call the shots, don't get in her way)

9: "I remember with my babies..." (yes, we all have anecdotal stories to tell. But to the two week postpartum mommy, no other baby in the world matters except hers. That's her right. Save your memories for your scrapbook)

10: "You look BAD. Are you sure you're getting enough sleep?" (are you stupid?)