Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Today, A Hint of Nostalgia

I miss my first pregnancy. Not being pregnant, but my first pregnancy.

I miss the ease of lying on the couch at the end of the day, with nothing to do except just lay there.

I miss the discovery of the subculture of pregnancy message boards, and the realization that there are a bazillion ways to raise your child. I miss the discussions with hubby about how we would handle certain situations. Would we co-sleep? Would we CIO? Should we cloth-diaper? What about vaccinations?

I miss going to Barnes and Noble with Hubby, and casually perusing endless stacks of baby name books, pregnancy books, birth books, healthy eating books. Mindlessly wandering the aisles while sipping a latte.

I miss the awe and wonder of my forever changing shape, waiting with impatient anticipation to finally see that baby bump bulge under my shirt.

I miss going to see my doctor monthly and for 30 minutes just reveling in the miracle that was taking place inside of me. I loved Dr. Riley. For awhile I thought about naming my child after him. He was a tangible representation of my miracle. It felt strange later when I no longer saw him every month and I realized that what my world was revolving around, was simply just another day at the office for him.

I miss our habit of going to eat dinner at Barley's Brewhaus (where they made the best quesadillas) and then walking over to our childbirth education class. I miss sitting there with 8 other couples, mentally comparing my size, and preparedness to the other mamas-to-be.

I miss the moment when Hubby and I decided that I was going to do this thing naturally, without medication or interventions. The countless hours we spent reading books and mentally preparing for The Event. I miss the empowerment I felt and at the same time the fear of the unknown.

I miss taking walks with Hubby in the late afternoon, gazing at my round shadow on the sidewalk and imagining what it would be like to take these walks while pushing a stroller.

I miss lighting candles in our apartment and doing prenatal yoga, with Hubby alongside me (oh yes, he did. And he claims to this day that was the only time he could touch his toes.).

I miss the attention that came with a round belly, like I had won the lottery and was the luckiest person in the world.

I miss hearing my friends' advice. I didn't take most of it, but I didn't mind hearing it.

I miss having the whole future stretched out in front of me. The knowledge that Hubby and I were embarking on a new adventure. We were clueless and naive. I miss that.

That mystery of the first pregnancy can never be recreated. No matter how many more times I saw that plus sign on a stick, no matter how many more times we set up the crib and pulled out the carseat, it never *quite* reached the magic the first time held. Special, of course. But magical? I'm not sure. I kind of miss that magic. We have plenty of new experiences to revel in now of course. I'm still clueless and naive. But now I'm clueless and naive about raising a family, about having an older child, about navigating sibling relationships. The focus has shifted. And rightfully so.

But for today, I miss the simplicity of that first pregnancy. Where everything was a wonder and a mystery and magical. And I had the time to bask in the beauty of it all.



10 comments:

  1. TOTALLY AGREE!!!! Esp when I look at the large portrait that hangs on our bedroom wall - of me and hubby when I was 8 months preggo with Elisabeth. Then I look around me and see her as well as the next two. I look at that picture and see how young and wonder what that girl would think if she knew... :D

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  2. I agree! I miss the dreams of how parenthood would be. The cruel reality of autism stole many of my dreams, but I remember the wonderment and awe of all the possibilities. I am trying to recapture that with #2, but my cynical side gets in the way.

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  3. You captured it so perfectly!

    And, fwiw, we went to the BEST Pizza place before our childbirth classes each week...though we never actually made it to the end of our classes b/c Maeve came first! LOL

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  4. Me too! I also missed reveling in my last pregnancy b/c at the time I didn't know it would be my last. Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I look back with fondness on that first pregnancy, is because it was the last of my "carefree" adult days! :)

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  5. Beautifully written!

    You clearly enjoyed it more than I did. I spent waaaaaay too much time throwing up.

    But the first baby! Oh I miss those days! That was magical.

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  6. Rose colored glasses Michelle! Rose colored glasses. LOL

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  7. Lovely post. You are such a great mom. I spent the whole 8 months selfishly saying "oh crap, what was I thinking."
    xoxo,t

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  8. Me too! I wish I had taken the time to enjoy it a little more.

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  9. my pregnancy was SO not like that either...but i am so excited and looking forward to my second (God-willing)...perhaps I could borrow your rose colored shades as I idealize it this time? :) (Melissa B)

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