Monday, June 2, 2008

In a Funk

Hello friends.  Its been awhile I know.  I've been in a funk lately and haven't felt much like blogging.  I get in these moods periodically and I have yet to figure out if it's cyclical or not.  But whatever the case, it sucks.  Just seems like very little is going our way these days.  I refuse to settle for the status quo, I refuse to just suck it up and accept that this is what our life is.  I am bound and determined that we are going to do what we have to do to get to the place where we are happy and fulfilled.  But I'm growing weary in the process.  

Things are just really hard right now.  I hate when I run across someone and they ask how things are going or how I am.  I'm a horrible liar.  What I want to say is "are you just being polite, or do you really want to know?"  Because if you really want to know, let me tell you about my husband who is working SO hard in a job that's not fulfilling his calling in life, just to barely get food on the table and the bills paid.  Let me tell you about all the schooling he's gone through, the certification he's received, to qualify him to do what he really WANTS to do and feels called by God to do - and yet cannot seem to find the right job that's going to pay him what he needs in order to support us.  Let me tell you about the HUGE amount of debt we incurred while hubby was in school, that we're still held captive by, that we can't seem to get out from under, and that's holding us back from pursuing our passions.  Let me tell you about all the other things in our life that need to be tended to but can't because they cost money we don't have.  Let me tell you about how there's just not enough hours in the day for me to feel successful at running a home, working parttime and mothering 3 small children.  And finally, let me tell you about my darling Princess #3 who's suddenly discovered she can have an opinion about things and has decided to declare it by screaming... often.

I'm just spent.  I'm tired of treading water.  I'm tired of being a slave to our debt.  I'm tired of not feeling like I'm doing a good job at much of anything.  Hubby and I keep struggling to take each step forward because we know if we're not moving forward we're moving backwards.  I just wish that the steps right now in front of us weren't so hard to take.  And I wish they "felt" more like steps forward, rather than steps to the side.

I was recently reminded of this song that we sing in church alot, and it's been running through my head over and over.  The words are below:

If You say go, we will go.
If You say wait, we will wait. 
If You say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done,
We'll fix our eyes on You, and we will come.

Your ways are higher than our ways.
And the plans that You have laid are good and true.
If You call us to the fire, You will not withdraw Your hand.
We'll gaze into the flame and look to You.

I feel like we are SO there right now.  Especially the "wait" part.  I have no idea why we are where we are.  It's always easy to look back and see God's hand.  It's the looking forward that requires patience and faith.  Two things I feel like I'm barely holding on to right now.  I'm not even sure what to pray for anymore.  I'm just holding on with the small amount of faith I have left and trusting that at some point I'll look back on these days and see very clearly God's hand in it all.

Edited to add:  I feel like I need to add that there are SO many other things in my life that I'm thankful for.  So many things that I've been blessed with that I don't deserve.  I hate that at times the bad stuff clouds the good stuff.  I try to not hold on to these bad days for very long.  There are times I just need to get it out.  Then I can leave it behind and move on.  

4 comments:

  1. AMEN, Sister!!! Right there with ya in the debt, uncertainty about the future, and the hubby's job.

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  2. Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. I was really hoping things were better...they WILL be. I'm praying. And I love ya!!

    Kari

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  3. You stay with it Tricia. I'm here for you! You're doing SO WELL! You are moving forward. It's um, just hard to tell with the earth rotating on its axis and all. :P

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  4. you are doing such a good job being good! I am sorry you are feeling in a funk and I wish I could make it all better for you.

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