Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Just call me Dorothy

I know, I know.  It's been awhile.  Hey!  How are ya?

So, tonight I'm struggling with a major fear issue.  I'll admit that I'm not the most courageous person in general.  Alot of things frighten me.  As a kid, I was scared of the dark.  I always slept with the hall light on right outside my bedroom.  My dad would come and turn it off when he went to bed, but I would nearly always wake up and turn it back on.  In fact, I spent nearly every night sleeping in my parents' bedroom on a little couch in my sleeping bag.  I was just too scared to sleep in my room alone.  This probably explains why my own princesses sleep in their sleeping bags in MY room most nights now.

I've outgrown my fear of the dark (but maybe not so much the sleeping in my room alone, fortunately, hubby doesn't travel without me much).  But another one has surfaced that's most likely been in the works since those early, dark-fearing days.  I'm scared of tornadoes.  Not just a little nervous.  An all-consuming, check the weather constantly if there's even the slightest hint of anything nasty, get upset in my tummy, lose my appetite, get paralyzed fear.  Yes, it is something I most likely need meds for.  

I've been trying to analyze this fear lately, given that it's tornado season and I live in the heart of tornado alley.  Now let me be the first to admit that I have statistics working in my favor.  In all of my 30 years I have never been within, oh, 2 miles of a tornado.  I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually had to take cover from a storm.  And yet, all of that logic flies out the window the second I even hear of the slightest chance of severe weather.  

I suspect it has much to do with the fact that I now have 3 little lives depending on me.  Suddenly it's about more than just me.  The decisions I make don't just effect me.  And that's overwhelming where this particular fear is concerned because I feel completely out of control with it.  I can't stop bad weather from bearing down on us.  We don't have a proper storm shelter, so I can't adequately protect them the way I'd like to.  I just feel helpless, and that is not a comfortable place for any momma to be in.

So, I honestly don't know where to go from here.  Tomorrow is supposed to suck, weather-wise (although one station reported online that the main risk would be South of where we live - God bless you Frank Mitchell!  You've given me hope!).  I can't run, I can't hide.  I have to work.  Princess #1 has ballet. Life has to go on.  I've been praying for peace and a release from this fear - at least the irrational aspects of it.  Beyond that, I have a catalog coming from Family Safe Storm Shelters.  If I can buy some peace of mind, I might just try.

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