In a Funk

Hello friends.  Its been awhile I know.  I've been in a funk lately and haven't felt much like blogging.  I get in these moods periodically and I have yet to figure out if it's cyclical or not.  But whatever the case, it sucks.  Just seems like very little is going our way these days.  I refuse to settle for the status quo, I refuse to just suck it up and accept that this is what our life is.  I am bound and determined that we are going to do what we have to do to get to the place where we are happy and fulfilled.  But I'm growing weary in the process.  

Things are just really hard right now.  I hate when I run across someone and they ask how things are going or how I am.  I'm a horrible liar.  What I want to say is "are you just being polite, or do you really want to know?"  Because if you really want to know, let me tell you about my husband who is working SO hard in a job that's not fulfilling his calling in life, just to barely get food on the table and the bills paid.  Let me tell you about all the schooling he's gone through, the certification he's received, to qualify him to do what he really WANTS to do and feels called by God to do - and yet cannot seem to find the right job that's going to pay him what he needs in order to support us.  Let me tell you about the HUGE amount of debt we incurred while hubby was in school, that we're still held captive by, that we can't seem to get out from under, and that's holding us back from pursuing our passions.  Let me tell you about all the other things in our life that need to be tended to but can't because they cost money we don't have.  Let me tell you about how there's just not enough hours in the day for me to feel successful at running a home, working parttime and mothering 3 small children.  And finally, let me tell you about my darling Princess #3 who's suddenly discovered she can have an opinion about things and has decided to declare it by screaming... often.

I'm just spent.  I'm tired of treading water.  I'm tired of being a slave to our debt.  I'm tired of not feeling like I'm doing a good job at much of anything.  Hubby and I keep struggling to take each step forward because we know if we're not moving forward we're moving backwards.  I just wish that the steps right now in front of us weren't so hard to take.  And I wish they "felt" more like steps forward, rather than steps to the side.

I was recently reminded of this song that we sing in church alot, and it's been running through my head over and over.  The words are below:

If You say go, we will go.

If You say wait, we will wait. 

If You say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done,

We'll fix our eyes on You, and we will come.

Your ways are higher than our ways.

And the plans that You have laid are good and true.

If You call us to the fire, You will not withdraw Your hand.

We'll gaze into the flame and look to You.

I feel like we are SO there right now.  Especially the "wait" part.  I have no idea why we are where we are.  It's always easy to look back and see God's hand.  It's the looking forward that requires patience and faith.  Two things I feel like I'm barely holding on to right now.  I'm not even sure what to pray for anymore.  I'm just holding on with the small amount of faith I have left and trusting that at some point I'll look back on these days and see very clearly God's hand in it all.

Edited to add:  I feel like I need to add that there are SO many other things in my life that I'm thankful for.  So many things that I've been blessed with that I don't deserve.  I hate that at times the bad stuff clouds the good stuff.  I try to not hold on to these bad days for very long.  There are times I just need to get it out.  Then I can leave it behind and move on.  

Pomp and Circumstance

It's official - my baby is going to be in Kindergarten this fall.  Oh, I knew it was going to happen, but as long as she was fully engaged in Preschool, I was easily able to ignore it.  But today, Princess #1 walked across the stage in a miniature white graduation cap and gown complete with a tassel.  As her baby pictures were displayed on a giant screen, I was forced to face reality.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this.  The first one is the hardest, right?  I mean, after I get Princess #1 through Kindergarten and we gear up for Princess #2, It will be old hat, right?  

A Day for Moms

It's Mother's Day.  This morning I woke up in my brand new bed - my Mother's Day gift.  For 8.5 years hubby and I have slept on a queen mattress and box spring on the floor.  So, for the first time in our entire married lives I slept in my OWN bed, complete with headboard, footboard and rails.  Whoo hoo! I actually feel like a grown up.  And I do realize that I am getting old when household items and furniture gifts actually rate on the excitement scale.

I received two lovely homemade cards from Princess #1 and #2 before heading out to church.  There's not much sweeter than painstakingly placed stickers and chicken scratches from your babies.  I cherish those.  Princess #1 was particularly proud of her card in which she very neatly wrote her name at the top.  She is just getting too big.

Following church we went to what is becoming our Mother's Day lunch spot - The Elephant Bar.  Two years running now, this restaurant is the place to go on Mother's Day.  I don't know if people don't like it or it's not well known or if it just doesn't get the throngs of people who are primarily leaving church because of the word "bar" in the name - but whatever the case, it makes for an excellent spot for a young family to go.  We waited about 15 minutes tops for our table and during that time were treated to samples.  On the way out our waitress handed me a pink carnation and a gift card for a free appetizer at our next visit.  Not bad, eh?  Try the Crispy Honey Orange Shrimp - it's marvelous!

And then, upon returning home, my Mother's Day miracle occurred:  We all took naps!  Well, Princess #1 and #2 read books quietly in their room - but I'll take what I can get.  Hubby and I dozed on our new bed for well over an hour.  Heaven I tell you.

Of course the rest of the evening ended with a bloody nose (Princess #2 - running into a wall) and a rug burn (Princess #1 - falling down while playing chase) and general drama and overreaction.  But all in all I'd say it was a wonderful Mother's Day.  I'm so blessed.  Yes, many times (several just today) I wish for earplugs or a tranquilizer or SOMETHING.  But then those Princesses crawl into my lap and whisper that they have a super secret surprise for me and then give me the biggest hugs ever... and it makes it all so worth it.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

When a child that you don't know is playing with your children in a public area (ie, a playroom at a children's boutique), and she is holding on to one of your child's toys (a Snow White Barbie doll) and won't give it up even though you are trying to leave and you've asked for it politely, at what point do you expect said child's mother to intervene?  AND, when said child's mother does try to intervene (5 minutes later), but does so in the form of a weak "it's not your toy sweetie. Let's see what mommy has in her purse for you.  Give the toy back.  No baby, it's not yours.  Here, I found a little doll thats yours.  Can you give the dolly back to the little girl?  Sweetie, it's not your doll.  No, sweetheart.  You can't keep it..." and this continues on for FIVE MINUTES while the stubborn toddler refuses to part with the toy, at what point do you cut your losses and leave without the toy?  

I know.  I've been there.  I'm all for trying to remedy a situation as quietly and calmly and with as much respect for my child as possible.  Especially in a public place.  But is it really necessary to give your 2 year old THAT MUCH respect?  Seriously, I would have been removing the doll from my Princess's grip after 2 requests to return it on her own, tops.  The mother seemed to show no embarrassment over the situation whatsoever.  I really think that she might have stayed there all day asking her 2 year old to give the doll back.  Fortunately, her grandmother was mortified and finally managed to pry the hostage from her granddaughters fingers.  Snow White is safely back in our home, where she belongs.

Just call me Dorothy

I know, I know.  It's been awhile.  Hey!  How are ya?

So, tonight I'm struggling with a major fear issue.  I'll admit that I'm not the most courageous person in general.  Alot of things frighten me.  As a kid, I was scared of the dark.  I always slept with the hall light on right outside my bedroom.  My dad would come and turn it off when he went to bed, but I would nearly always wake up and turn it back on.  In fact, I spent nearly every night sleeping in my parents' bedroom on a little couch in my sleeping bag.  I was just too scared to sleep in my room alone.  This probably explains why my own princesses sleep in their sleeping bags in MY room most nights now.

I've outgrown my fear of the dark (but maybe not so much the sleeping in my room alone, fortunately, hubby doesn't travel without me much).  But another one has surfaced that's most likely been in the works since those early, dark-fearing days.  I'm scared of tornadoes.  Not just a little nervous.  An all-consuming, check the weather constantly if there's even the slightest hint of anything nasty, get upset in my tummy, lose my appetite, get paralyzed fear.  Yes, it is something I most likely need meds for.  

I've been trying to analyze this fear lately, given that it's tornado season and I live in the heart of tornado alley.  Now let me be the first to admit that I have statistics working in my favor.  In all of my 30 years I have never been within, oh, 2 miles of a tornado.  I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually had to take cover from a storm.  And yet, all of that logic flies out the window the second I even hear of the slightest chance of severe weather.  

I suspect it has much to do with the fact that I now have 3 little lives depending on me.  Suddenly it's about more than just me.  The decisions I make don't just effect me.  And that's overwhelming where this particular fear is concerned because I feel completely out of control with it.  I can't stop bad weather from bearing down on us.  We don't have a proper storm shelter, so I can't adequately protect them the way I'd like to.  I just feel helpless, and that is not a comfortable place for any momma to be in.

So, I honestly don't know where to go from here.  Tomorrow is supposed to suck, weather-wise (although one station reported online that the main risk would be South of where we live - God bless you Frank Mitchell!  You've given me hope!).  I can't run, I can't hide.  I have to work.  Princess #1 has ballet. Life has to go on.  I've been praying for peace and a release from this fear - at least the irrational aspects of it.  Beyond that, I have a catalog coming from Family Safe Storm Shelters.  If I can buy some peace of mind, I might just try.