The Ugly Truth

I'm just a jumble of thoughts this evening, so hopefully everything will make it out ok.

I was closing out today, exhausted as usual.  Laboring over making dinner, begging the princesses to eat it, cleaning up the obscene mess in the kitchen, shooing the princesses from pj's to toothbrushing to bed.  I sat down at the end of it to catch my breath, when Princess #4 started fussing in her crib.  With the exception of last night and tonight, this is a fairly unusual occurrence.

Ignoring the harpy in my head telling me if I were to give in again her waking would become a habit I'd be chained to until I broke, I went into her room, picked her up out of her crib, wiped away her tears and settled into the rocking chair for my new favorite habit.

I love parenting a baby.  The demands are simple.  They require no negotiation.  Especially when they're tired and they just want mama.  Rocking and singing and stroking her hair, breathing in the last bit of baby that clings to her soft skin.  I sat with her for an eternity, wishing I could stop time.

As I left her (asleep) in her crib and stepped out of her room, a realization struck me with a force I wasn't expecting.  It's something I think has been nagging at my subconscious for awhile now, something that I've been pushing back as I wasn't ready to deal with it.  But tonight was the night.  And it suddenly hit me:  as much as I love being a parent, I don't really enjoy parenting "older" little kids.  School age kids.  Sitting in princess #4's room and soaking up her baby-ness made it painfully clear to me.  Being the parent to a baby I love.  Being the parent to little kids... it's not fun to me.  They are constantly whining, the negotiations are tiring beyond belief, they fight with each other, there is no break, no relief.  I don't know if I'm too uptight or what, but I find very little joy in it.  It just makes me tired.  And that's terribly sad.  They're kids.  If I'm not having fun with them, then clearly the problem lies with me.

I've been rolling this over in my head, trying to get a handle on it.  Because as ugly as the truth is, I have to face it if I'm going to change it.  Somehow, in the process of becoming the mother to four princesses, I've allowed my focus to shift.  It's changed.  Where I used to find joy I only find chores.  Where I used to find laughter I only see messes.  And I've allowed that focus to overrule everything.

We all battle a selfish nature, and I think that I've allowed mine to win.  I've put my desires for a clean house or an orderly day over the needs of my kids to be kids.  I wonder though... I wonder if I set that all aside, if I allowed myself the freedom to enjoy my kids doing what they do best, if my needs in some way would be met afterall?  Or maybe my needs would change altogether?

My biggest fear, is that I wake up one day and my princesses are suddenly grown.  And I've lost the opportunity to know them.  I don't want to look at them one day and see strangers, or oddly distant adults who look a little bit like my daughters once did.  And I know that the prevention of that fear becoming a reality starts NOW.  And it starts with me.  Not in me getting them to whine less or eat more of my food or clean their room more often.  But in me really engaging, playing, loving, living, being with them and soaking it up. 

I love being the mama to a baby.  But my baby days are coming to an end.  It's time to start loving being the mama to kids, because they deserve that.

Just Because...

there's something ridiculously cute about a babe in sunglasses:

Persona

So hubby recently ran across a flickr photo stream by J Trav, a photographer out of Atlanta. His collection, Persona, offers a wickedly enjoyable voyeuristic look at individuals' most personal of possessions: the contents of their bags.

I love this. It is amazing how much you can learn about a person, just by peering into their bag. I know without a doubt that if you were to look into my purse, you'd know first and foremost that I am a mom. But I wonder what else?

I had to find out. So, here is my own version of Persona. A photographer I am not, so you'll have to bear with me. But let's take a little looksee into my hidden world: unedited, unpadded. Just the real me.

OK, so starting at the top left, right out of the gate we've got my blazing, flashing neon sign : I AM A MOM - indicated by the wipes case, changing pad and diaper. Next to the wipes case are papers giving instructions for the princesses' ballet recital (which was a month ago). A Tide stain stick to go comes next, followed by a stack of important documents like our social security cards, which I grabbed as we ran out the door to take cover from a tornado. I probably shouldn't be carrying those around anymore!

Back to the left are my car keys, a tiny hairbow, a loose key (not sure what that goes to), a Littlest Pet Shop fish, a pair of Pedipeds shoes and a kids twirly straw (Again, there is no doubt I am a mom!).

An assortment of hand moisturizers, a compact mirror, Clinique lipstick and lip gloss from Sephora make up my pitiful personal care collection.

Directly above that is a daily planner that has never been used (oh the irony of that is rich!), and a book that I rarely get to crack open, but it's there just in case!

My wallet (the shiny silver thing) lies next to the book and next to that is just trash. For the record, when I finished taking these pictures, the trash did not go back into my purse! A church bulletin and some bracelets I had to take off because Princess #4 wouldn't leave them alone last Sunday finish off the row.

My terribly outdated sunglasses and a pair of sunglasses for a little one are above my camera, which hubby bought for me for my birthday when I complained about having to haul around our digital SLR all the time. Next to that is a Mother's Day card that I forgot to mail. Sorry about that Nana!

Some loose change ($0.36), baby shower invitations, an Incredible Pizza game card, our passports (again, the tornado) and stamps round out my little world.

Oh, I just realized my iPhone is missing from the pic. It's usually in my purse but Princess #1 had snagged it to play Cooking Dash while I wasn't paying attention.

Clearly, I am not the metropolitan that most of J Trav's subjects are. But it's fun to take a little look anyway. I'm proud of the fact that my possessions in my bag reflect what's most important to me. My kids and family.

So now, it's your turn! Wanna play along? Dump out your bag and take a pic, let us see what's in YOUR world. If you choose to do so, link back to this post and let me know! I can't wait to see!

At A Loss

I promise I won't only post about potty training forever. But this is my hell life right now. I can't even describe in words the level of complete cluelessness I feel. I know it's silly, but I feel like a total failure. I know, I know. It's not a reflection of my parenting. But in the moment, it feels like it is.

I've done this before. #3 should be a piece of cake. At the very least, it shouldn't be stressing me out so much. I've talked alot about compartmentalizing my life and I think for the most part it does help with the day in day out trials of mommyhood. But it's not fail-proof. And I think, for a mommy especially, it's nearly impossible to totally compartmentalize. We are hard-wired to our babes, and it would be completely unrealistic to think that a mom could separate herself entirely from her child's trials and failures.

So where does that leave me? I am totally at a loss. 2.5 months we've been at this. Two steps forward, 1 GIANT step back. Rinse and repeat. And I am failing miserably at "keeping my cool". I know the first piece of advice anything you read about potty training will say, "Don't get angry. Just keep encouraging your child. Don't allow yourself to get frustrated."

Can we step into the real world please? Tell me, HOW is one to not get angry or frustrated or completely beaten down when you are cleaning poop out of panties two times a day, or wake up to find a nice pile on the floor. This morning instead of cuddling up on the couch with the princesses, hubby got to break out the upholstery cleaner and clean the couch. Not how we wanted to start the day. I have completely gone PAST frustration with this. More than our fair share of tears have been shed over this and not just by Princess #3. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Musings

Life is funny how it happens, isn't it?

I mean, who among us hasn't had The Plan. A path we were certain our life would take.

Why do we do that? Um, has ANYONE'S life followed The Plan? (if yours has, don't tell me, you'll ruin my imagery here!)

I was sitting here this morning, with my lovely cuppa joe, listening to my princesses hoot and holler in their bedroom (yes, 3 princesses - 1 bedroom), enjoying my last sliver of "peace" before they descend upon me with breakfast demands - and my overwhelming thought was, "how did I get here?"

I'm certain if you were to sift through old posts, you'd find ones of similar musings. I guess that's normal for a 30 something mommy to four. There are many aspects of my life that are predictable, that I anticipated: go to college, meet my prince, fall in love, get married, have a baby...

I should just stop there because that "have a baby" part is what amuses me the most. I can't really tell you when "have a baby" turned into "have FOUR babies". I don't think I ever dreamed about having 4 children. Three maybe, and after princess #2 was born it was DEFINITELY just 2. And yet somehow, here I am.

I love my life. Yes, I cleaned poop up off the floor yesterday. But what mom doesn't? And I think (I hope!) that if I were allowed a peek into my future at the young age of 22(ish), I would have chosen it for myself willingly, poop and all.

Now I'm going to try to remember this today as I beg, pull, bribe and pray for my 3 year old to voluntarily use the toilet. Sigh. Need more joe. An IV maybe.

*Just as a side note, I'm doing a bit more networking these days with my blog. I'm loving the new followers and am so happy to expand this little "family". If you are active on any of the networks listed to the side, let me know! I'd love to find you there. Oh, and if you click on the Top Mommy Blogs button and vote for me I'd love you forever! (and like you for always... c'mon, you knew it was coming!)