You Can't Make Mistakes

I had a particularly rough evening.

I know, we're only 2 days into summer break and it's already rough.

But this wasn't about the princesses.

It was about me.

I made the mistake of taking a look at our budget and bills this evening, before putting the princesses to bed.  Big mistake.  Things are a bit bleak financially at the moment.  And have I mentioned that I don't compartmentalize well?

That would be a HUGE understatement.

So unfortunately, after looking at a depressing picture, I didn't exactly manage bedtime all that well.

I'm ashamed to say that I raised my voice more times than necessary.  I expected perfection from my beautifully imperfect little souls.  I needed complete peace in my home to calm the turmoil in my mind.  And we all know peace in a home with 4 kids is an impossibility.

I was not nice.

After getting the princesses in bed and saying prayers, I asked forgiveness of my girls.  I held the hands of my two big girls while we sang our good night songs.  The same three songs we've sung every night since Princess #1 was born.  And as we sang, tears rolled down my cheeks.

These precious babies, entrusted to my care, loving me in spite of my shortcomings.  How do I deserve so much?  I could barely keep it together.

I knelt down to kiss my Princess #2, and as I did she grabbed my hand and stroked my face as it lay close to hers.  She wiped the tears from my cheek and whispered her forgiveness:

"You know you can't make any mistakes."

And although on the surface her theology might be a bit off, I think she said exactly what she meant.  There's nothing I can do, nothing I can say that would put me beyond her love.  No mistake is too big, no error so great that her love can not reach me.

I needed that grace tonight.  I need it every single day.  Thank you Lord Jesus for that grace.  Thank you for showing me through my precious child.

When God Speaks, Listen

I wrote my last blog post about the 5 words that changed my life, and I didn't realize it at the time, but while I was typing what was on my heart, God was also preparing me to hear another word from Him.  Or rather, remind me.

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling a bit restless.  I had plenty of laundry to fold (thank you lice) and dishes to take care of, etc.  But I just didn't feel like doing any of it.  And as is the benefit of being your own boss, I decided to not do it.  I started to feel led to pick up my Bible and devotional book, My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  I'm embarrassed to say the last time I had bothered to open it.

A comment left on my last post led me to Matthew 6:33.  It's a familiar verse:

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

That's really what my last post was about, about seeking God, above anything else, even his will.

So I spent some time meditating on that scripture and the passages before it.  The famous "Do Not Worry" passages beginning in Matthew 6:25:

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear.  Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?  And why worry about your clothing?  Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow.  They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.  Why do you have so little faith?  So don't worry about these things, saying 'what will we eat?  What will we drink?  What will we wear?'  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

After some time in thought and prayer I turned to My Utmost, wondering what thoughts Mr. Chambers had for me that day.

It should come as no shock that the scripture that Chambers wrote about for January 27th was Matthew 6:25.  Further, the day before he wrote on Matthew 6:30.

God is so good and knows exactly what we need to hear when we need to hear it.

I've been through this book many many times, and in one of my passes through I underlined certain passages that stuck out to me.  This one particular paragraph, underlined years ago when I was just a college student,  jumped off the page at me like live wire:

"Consider the lilies of the field..." (6:28).  They grow where they are planted.  Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us.  Therefore, we don't take root anywhere.  Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things.  Did Jesus Christ lie to us?  Are we experiencing the "much more" He promised?  If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries.  How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him?"

Ouch.

Senseless questions?  Uh yeah.  That would be me.  Right over here.

I believe that God is reminding me, sometimes daily, sometimes obviously, to grow where I am planted.  Not where I think I should be planted.  Not where I want to be planted.

Feeling the presence of Christ so near in that moment, I flipped through my journal, to the last thing I had written.  Another quote from Chambers, this time from August 10:

"God seems to plant His saints in the most useless places.  And then we say, 'God intends me to be here because I am so useful to Him.'  Yet Jesus never measured His life by how or where He was of greatest use.  God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that may be."

Ok God.  I'm listening.

What If This Is It?

Way back, when hubs and I first got married (way, WAY back), we had really big plans.  What new couple doesn't, right?  We knew exactly where we were headed in the future, we felt God's calling on us and we were headed down that path, full steam ahead.  Confident in God's will and our willing hearts.

We knew God had called us to be missionaries, and we knew He was going to use us in a big way.


We did everything right:  schooling, experience, training.  All of it.  We had confirmation after confirmation of God's will in our lives.  We dotted all the i's and crossed every t.  It was only a matter of time.

And yet we found ourselves, 12 years later, a stay at home mom to four little girls and a retail manager.

Huh?

What happened?  Where did we go wrong?  Did we misunderstand God's will?


This was the question I asked over and over and over again for years.  As each door slammed in our faces and we slipped further still from our supposed "calling".  I harbored bitterness and anger.  Jealous of ones who fulfilled their dreams in front of our eyes, while we toiled away, in the in between time.  I felt abandoned, forgotten by God.  I struggled with the day to day reality of our life - each inconvenience created by hubs' decidedly secular job deepened the chasm that was growing between us.  I was being selfish, but I didn't see it that way.  I wanted what I wanted for our lives.  What I thought God wanted.


I was headed down a path of distrust and despair...


Until the day we received the biggest blow to our remaining thread of hope.  I love how God works that way.  Waiting until there is no hope, so that He can be our only hope.  Looking back on this moment, I know that if it had occurred at any other time, it would have been too easy to point to other things as the reason for my breakthrough.  My logic, or hubs' determination, or our sheer will to survive.  Anything could have claimed that glory.  But God waited to move until we had nothing left.  Because when there is no hope and yet you still have peace that passes understanding, you know where that came from.

It was that day, with wounds still fresh and stinging that God spoke to me clearly.


"What if this is it?"


What God?

"What if this is what I have planned for you?"


You mean this life?  The one we're currently slaves to?

"Yes.  What if this is it?  Could you be content in that?  In ME?"


But what about our calling?  We were so sure...

"Can you be content?"


But what about hubs?  He's worked so hard, poured years of his life into this calling...

"Will you be content?"


Will I be content?


Anyone CAN be content.  That's an ability each and every person on this earth possesses.  But, the choice, the WILL to be content, that's a different story.

I realized in that blinding moment that I was missing out on God's greatest gift in my life:  my life.

I had been so busy, certain of our path and frustrated at the detours, that I failed to see God's hand in the twisting road.  I was missing opportunities to fulfill God's calling in our life that very day, so determined to fit God into the little box I had created for our lives.  I was creating a pseudo-contentment in my life (and failing miserably), rather than turning to the One who could bring true, fulfilled contentment.

My life was changed in that instant.


When I was growing up, seeking God's will for your life was a hot topic.  Especially in college, when many life-altering decisions are made.  Should I date this guy? Is it God's will?  Should I go on this mission trip?  Is it God's will?  Should I change my major?  Is it God's will?


On the whole, I don't think it's a bad question to ask.  However, without realizing it, I allowed that question to be the Main Thing.  Searching for God's elusive will in my life.  And when hubs and I
"found it", because I had searched for it in that way, like it was a thing to be obtained, I mentally left very little wiggle room for God to do His work.

I had unknowingly reduced God to the size of what my mind could imagine.


In that moment when God broke through my smallness and showed me his immeasurable greatness, I realized that it's not really about seeking God's will for my life.  My life is about seeking God.  Because when I step outside of my little box, and allow his fullness to infiltrate every part of my being; when I draw close to him out of love and devotion and awe rather than what He's going to do for me; when I seek Him and leave the rest; that's where true contentment lies.  That's where I find the fulfillment of His will in my life.  That's when I become fully useable by Him.

I am still a stay at home mom to four little girls.  Hubs is still a retail manager.  And we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we are right where we need to be.  Because we are seeking Him, not "the call" we once felt was so important.  The rest will fall into place.  Maybe the way we once imagined.  But most likely not, because God has big plans.

What if this is it?

Bring it on.

His Grace Is Enough

How many times have you tried and failed?

How many times have you looked in the mirror and not liked what you see?

How often do you wish you could rewind and redo?

How often do you find yourself needing to apologize?

We are messed up, imperfect, lost people.

We try and fail.

And try and fail.

And try and fail.

Any person in their right mind would give up.

And give up on me.

Thank goodness God doesn't evaluate me with a right mind.

He loves me with a perfect mind.

And He extends to me (and you!) an indescribable gift:

Grace I don't deserve.

Grace I don't understand.

Grace that covers it all.

An act of sacrifice,

A miracle beyond reason,

the promise of a glorious, everlasting life.

Christ the Lord is risen today!

Embrace the gift.

Freely offered to you.

Know that His grace is enough.

Excessive Giving

"Why not begin operating under the idea that God has given us excess, not so we could have more, but so we could give more?" ~ David Platt, Radical.

This is what I've been mulling over lately.

It's so easy to look to our neighbors and see what we don't have.  Each of us could probably make a list several pages long of all the things we'd love to own, if only we had the money to buy them.

And yet, let's be honest, even in our humblest of living, we're blessed beyond words.

So why do we always want more?  What is it we're looking for?  Why is it so easy to live, surrounded by what would be considered luxury to most of the world, and yet still be so unsatisfied?

I can't sit here and honestly say I'd just give it all away.  I can wander through Target for hours on end for a reason, people.  We all have our weaknesses.

But I do like what David Platt is saying, because it causes me to stop and reassess:  if we were to get a bonus on the next paycheck, or if we were presented with an opportunity to earn more money, where would it go, and why?  Is there ever a point we could reach where we'd say we have enough, anything above and beyond this we're going to give away?

Just something to think about.

Restoration

Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble.

Then your light will shine out from the darkness,

and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.

The Lord will guide you continually,

giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like an ever-flowing spring.

Isaiah 58: 10-11

I desperately needed to hear this this week.  And I wonder if anyone else does too?  I fear I too often focus on how dry I'm feeling, wallowing in a sea of melancholy and self-pity, wishing and praying for the Lord to come and restore me and quench my thirst.  And in the process of my inward focus, I miss the opportunities God has placed in front of me to fulfill his commands.  It's not just a nice thing to do, feeding the hungry.  It's not just a social issue, to help those in trouble.  It is the very word of God.  It's not about programs or organizations.  It's just simple.  See the need and fill it.  And in doing so experience restoration and joy beyond your wildest imagination.

Breakthroughs

I've been on quite a little journey with God recently.  I suppose that if you're a follower of Christ, you could say your whole life is a journey with God, but if we're really honest, aren't there specific moments for everyone where you feel like God is definitely trying to teach you something, or speak to you?

That's where I'm at.

I've always been in a relationship with Christ, He's been a constant in my life since a young age.  But there have definitely been times when that relationship has grown stagnant and stale.  Like any relationship, you get out of it what you put in to some extent, and I'm not always great at putting in.  I'd say I was at a real high point when I was in college.  I was focused on my future, and constantly seeking God's will for my life and desiring to walk with Him.  Of course, at that point in my life the most pressing issue on my plate was writing papers and finals.

Life gets a little more complicated than that, doesn't it?

And it's funny how the more complicated it gets, and easily the more I need Him, the less I seem to be able to find time to seek Him.

The first part of this year I knew something needed to change.  I felt lost, like I was spinning my wheels. Directionless.  I knew God, but I felt like He was more of a distant relative or an acquaintance, someone I knew once.  The kind of people you have on your Facebook friend list, but never speak to or reach out to.  And likewise they never speak to you.

Ouch.

It's kind of shocking when you realize it's been awhile since you've heard God speak to you.

I had a list of excuses a mile long.  Reasons why I wasn't hearing from Him, reasons why I just didn't have the time to seek Him.  It was just a bunch of bull.  Just some lame excuses from someone who was too busy trying to do life on her own (unsuccessfully I might add).

I decided it was time to drop the act.  I was at a cross roads.  Either get real and get serious or give it up.  Because the thing is, I know God is calling me to more than just a mediocre life of following Him.  He gave his Son.  He sacrificed Everything... just so I could have a mediocre life?  I think not.  Just so I could mindlessly go through the motions?  No way.

We are all called to a much higher purpose, and I for one am tired of settling for less.

It hasn't been all sunshine and butterflies.  In fact, I'd say that present circumstances have actually gotten more difficult as I've strived to reclaim my relationship with Christ.  But isn't that exactly when God's glory shines brighter?  When I am at my end, then it's no longer me and my own strength but the Holy Spirit living and breathing through me.  And there is hope in that.  And peace.  And joy.  I'm no longer spinning my wheels.  My direction is Him.  And that, in my opinion, is a much better place to be.

My friends, I know this post is not the norm on my blog.  I've always been hesitant to share too much of my heart for Christ, for fear of losing readers who do not share the same love, because I value everyone who spends some of their precious time in my little corner of the world.  But I would be doing myself a disservice if I did not at times share where I'm at spiritually, because it is the core of who I am.  And as this post demonstrates, it is becoming even moreso.  This blog will remain a place where I can express all facets of myself as a mother to 4 princesses.  So that means posts on potty training failures, preteen anxieties, small parenting victories and yes, spiritual breakthroughs.  Because it's all a part of me.  I appreciate your company on this journey called life.  :-)

Revisiting The Tiger Issue

A week ago or so I joined I'm sure hundreds of bloggy moms as I attempted to dissect and inspect the claims of Amy Chua that the Chinese method of parenting was superior to Western parenting.  And while I  wrestled with putting my thoughts into words, I thought I had adequately described my feelings on the subject.

Then I ran across this post.  Mama J is a Chinese Christian mama living in Singapore.  And when I read her eloquent letter to her son, I thought, "YES!  This is what was missing for me in Amy Chua's approach to parenting!"  Yes we push our children to be their best, and lovingly correct and guide.  But for a Christian parent, there is more to this life than being the best or earning accolades by your own strength or even just being a good person.  I loved Mama J's unique perspective on this issue and how she reconciled being both a Chinese parent and a Christian parent.

It's worth a look.  Let me know what you think!
 

Simple Words

It's been a rough week.  Circumstances beyond my control, unruly children, a general overall feeling of discontent.  I realize over time that life casually cycles through these seasons (as evidenced by the last post I linked - written in Dec. 2007).  I suppose the next step is to get to the point that I can recognize when we are in such a season and learn to deal.

Typically, when I find myself in such a place, I tend to withdraw.  I don't feel like writing.  I don't feel like doing anything.  The laundry sits, the dishes stack up.  Depression maybe?  Possibly.  I think a certain amount is fairly normal.  Once I process through the initial influx of emotions, and I finally start to not feel numb, then I'm able move forward.

And that's where I am now.  Moving forward.  I know not everyone who reads this blog is a Christ-follower or even believes in God.  And that's fine.  But on a post like this, I would be remiss if I didn't give credit where credit is due.  Because reliance on God during all seasons in life isn't a part of who I am, it is who I am.  So you'll need to bear with me for a minute or two.

I love reading Oswald Chambers.  He had such a unique and intimate way of painting God's character and His desires for our lives.  The resurgence of the popularity of his devotional, My Utmost For His Highest, occurred when I was in college.  First published in 1927, the tattered, worn pages full of underlined and circled text have walked me through many valleys over the years.  And this week I turned to it once again, hoping to glean some wisdom from one who had come before, and some peace from the One who knows and understands it all.

It's not really profound.  Nothing in there that couldn't be discovered on one's own, eventually.  But the simple words speak to my soul, and I find in them reassurance that we do not walk this journey alone.  Like water for a parched throat, I am refreshed and am ready to face the world once again.

My friends, where do you turn when you feel like life is running in circles?

God Is Awake

Back when I was a junior in high school, I had the privilege of taking advanced English from the most incredible teacher.  He was one of those people who just exuded passion and love for their chosen career.  And it overflowed into the classroom.  He challenged us, pushed us to think further, to read deeper and to write freer.  I began to truly love the written word while in his classroom.  He also happened to be the older brother of Bill Pullman, who was at the height of his 'While You Were Sleeping' fame, and so that made going to class all sorts of cool too.

At one point during the year, Mr. Pullman requested that we begin to make a quote book.  He encouraged us to write down quotes that spoke to us, or quotes that challenged us to think beyond our little worlds we had created for ourselves.  I took the task very seriously.  I carried around a 3x5 notebook and wrote down any and everything that caught my attention.  Phrases from books, statements from newscasters... I can only imagine how large my little notebook might have been if the internet was around in all it's infinite knowledge.  I put question marks next to the ones I wanted to ponder further, and put big X's through the ones that I felt were completely off the mark.

There was only one quote, however, that earned a large circle around it.  After 6 months of collecting the thoughts of other people, there was one that stood out to me.  One that encapsulated in just a brief phrase so much of what I believed to be true about life.  It is engrained in my memory to this day.

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” ~Victor Hugo

 I love this quote because it faces the reality that life is not always perfect.  Trials come.  Some big and some small.  Some days do feel more like labor than life.  And we have permission to feel that way and acknowledge it.  But at the end of it all, God is there.  He is awake.  He knows it all, and He holds it in His hands.  Such powerful words of peace.

Is there a phrase or quote you've come across in your life that speaks to you?  I'd love to hear.

Faith Like A Child

I love to watch Spring unfold. The energy new life seems to bring as flowers bloom and grass greens and yes, even as those pesky weeds take over my lawn. I love the freshness in the air. The warmth of the sun and the breeze. I love the freedom the late sunset allows, and the smell of my house with the windows open.

I love all the symbols of Spring as well. Brightly colored blooms, fluffy yellow chicks, endless candy eggs and jellybeans. I love shopping for Easter dresses and planning for egg hunts and watching my girls dye eggs while the dye clings more readily to sticky fingers than to carefully boiled eggs.

Most of all, I love celebrating what Spring and rebirth and Easter truly means to us - the resurrection of our Lord and Savior.

I know I don't write much about my faith here. It's not because I am wishy-washy in my belief, or because I don't find it important. Rather, I tend to be somewhat private about my journey. The perfectionist in me tends to lean to the belief that I need to have it all figured out before I can speak to it intelligently. Clearly, that will never happen (the all figured out part), and I'm finding myself more and more challenged to just be open with my thoughts and beliefs, even if I don't understand it all.

I'm learning this through my princesses. If there's ever a time with faith and belief and knowledge intersect and reach a pivotal moment in a life, it's when you become a parent. We are always teaching our children something. Teaching them to share, teaching them to be polite, to look both ways before crossing the street. We constantly answer questions, some we don't know the answers to (exactly how far IS the earth to the sun anyway?). I am stumped, alot. And that fear of not knowing the answers has at times impeded my ability to teach my children about God and faith. But what I've been discovering recently is that you can't really "teach" faith. You can't force your children to have it. They already do.

When you're watching your child learn about God, you see the true embodiment of faith. They don't need all the answers. Somewhere along the line, with all our focus on education, we come under the false assumption that we have to know everything there is to know about God in order to believe in Him. But if we knew everything about God, then He wouldn't be God. Watching my princesses grow in their understanding and faith in the resurrected Christ has strengthened and renewed my own faith. I know the phrase "faith like a child" is somewhat cliche, but I've seen it demonstrated over and over in my home through my princesses and I know it to be true.

This Easter has been one of the most real, vibrant, and faith-building Easters I've experienced in my entire life. I've seen love lived out. I've seen people being the church rather than doing church. I've seen lives transformed and people coming to the realization that knowledge won't get you there. Faith in ourselves, in our ability, in our minds is weak, for we are limited. But faith in an almighty God, THAT is power. And faith is only faith when we DON'T have all the answers.

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. But I know my God didn't send his Son to die for perfect people. By His grace and faith He is transforming my life and the lives of my children. And I see it more clearly each time I let go of the need to know WHY and HOW, and like my children just rest in the peace and satisfaction that He Is.

Perspective

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post, where if you recall, I was pretty much ready to just throw in the towel.  I love that I have an outlet to share and vent my day to day frustrations if need be, because I think it's important to get it out.  However, at times I wish that I had the ability to think outside of myself on those days, to step back and look at the situations I'm facing with a little perspective, a little compartmentalization.  Rarely does a bad day with the Princesses ever become a bad week, or year or life.  Truly, it's usually simply just a bad day, one that's erased as the sun goes down and rises again with the promise of a fresh start.  And thank God for those fresh starts, right?  Where would we be without grace?

And I think that God knows, exactly when we need those fresh starts.  Those moments of reflection when we can look at our lives and say, "yeah, I'm not perfect.  I've screwed up bigtime.  But I'm blessed beyond words.  My life is full and complete.  And when He looks at me, he doesn't see the mess that I am, but the promise I have the potential to be."

A week ago, I got to see and experience first hand that fresh start.  My beautiful, perfect Princess #4 was born.  There is nothing, nothing, like holding a precious life fresh from God to bring a little perspective.  Such a miracle, from the beginning to the end, my mind can't even begin to wrap around it.  So much promise, so much life wrapped up in those blankets and laid in my arms.  What an awesome responsibility and gift.  I know I'm not the perfect mommy, I know that there are days where I literally throw in the towel.  But I hope that even in those moments, I'll always be able to take a step back and remember these first few days of our fresh start with Princess #4, and know that it's going to be OK.