The De-Pacification... Part III

I thought we were through the worst of it. But parenthood came back to laugh in my face. I should have known better.

Tonight was hell. I won't go into the nitty gritty, but it involved alot of screaming, kicking and crying (not on my part!) and a few hairy moments where I was sure my sweet Princess #3 was possessed (extreme exhaustion will do that to an almost 3 year old without her beloved comfort of the paci).

We both came out physically unscathed, but boy does my mama heart hurt. As I held her wrenching body close to mine while her tantrum climaxed, she wailed out in hiccuping gulps, "I... don't... know... how... to... stop....!!!!! In that moment my heart tore open and my mama bear took over - protecting her not from evil outside forces, but from herself. This tiny little person, so full of passion and fierce love, she has no reason to hold back, no reason to deny herself the indulgence of letting out every emotion she feels in that moment. And it's just too much sometimes for a little almost 3 year old to handle. And my responsibility overwhelmed me. As her tiny body finally relaxed in my arms, the silence and stillness broken periodically by deep ragged breaths and shuddering, I held her an immeasurable amount of time. A calming sleep eventually enveloped her.

It's moments like these that remind me what parenthood is all about. She couldn't handle it. She needed me to handle it for her. Even though every thrash of her body and every cry from her mouth indicated otherwise, she needed me. And I vowed to myself that I would hold her again, as long as it took, over and over. Though she may kick and fight, scream and yell, I would hold her. Long past her childhood, her teen years, as an adult - it wouldn't matter. I'll be there as long as she needs me, to be the one to help her to stop, when she doesn't know how.