The House Thermostat

Several years ago, we were having a particularly difficult time with Princess #1's behavior.  I don't remember the details at all (proof that this too shall pass!), but I do know that it was occurring right around the time Princess #2 joined us, so she would have been around the age of 2.

Desperate for sound advice, I took myself to the place I knew I would get some answers, the internet.  Thank God for mommy message boards right?  I don't know how June Cleaver survived without them.

Anyway, I found myself on a message board full of caring, devoted, and attached mommies who were passionate about intentional parenting.  For me, being the newbie, I had no idea there were so many parenting philosophies or that I even had one (I later learned my own default parenting philosophy was a combination of my experiences in being parented, and my expectations about parenthood.  But that's another post for another time).

I poured out my heart in a post about Princess #1, describing her behavior and my desires to change it.  I probably referred at one point to how she seemed to turn into this monster of a child I did not know.  It was true.  I was praying that someone would read my post, relate to it in their own lives and tell me what to do to fix it.

So you can imagine my shock when I anxiously checked back for a response and found not sympathy and empathetic responses but rather chastisement about my attitude towards Princess #1.  Suggestions that I stop seeing her as a "monster" but rather a small human who was incapable of controlling her emotions and reactions stopped me in my tracks.  That wasn't what I meant at all!  I was totally being misread!

Or was I?

I remember leaving the computer in a huff, feeling let down.  I do not remember how we addressed Princess #1's behavior at that time.  Clearly we got through it and I moved on.  But I never forgot the sting I felt at the words of the women on that message board.  Women who did not know me, did not know my intentions, or my heart.  I felt unjustly judged.

Now several years down the road into parenthood, I'm able to assess the words of those women with a little more perspective and clarity.  While I immediately took offense to the suggestion that perhaps the problem lie more with my reaction to the behavior than the behavior itself, I now can accept the wisdom in that idea.

I can see it now, most clearly demonstrated in Princess #1 as she nears the age of 9.  If I expect her to behave badly, she does.  If I perceive her to be a difficult child or in a difficult phase, she is.  As much as I hate to admit it and tire of the responsibility, I control the climate in our home.  And that includes the behavior of my children.

That's not to say that it is peaceful all the time or that my children never throw fits.  Believe me, they do. But as I've matured as a parent I've discovered that the key to diffusing tantrums and changing behaviors lies in my attitude toward my child and my reactions to that behavior.

Because the harsh reality is that I can't control my children and what they do.  Try as I might, guide as I may, they are their own people and they will make their own choices.  Even at the young age of 2 when I cried out in frustration at Princess #1's behavior.  While I was seeking ways to control her, the wise women of that message board were gently (or maybe not so much) trying to show me that all I could control was myself.

It's still a work in progress.  I'm still a work in progress.  There are many days I respond in frustration or irritation and I watch as it ripples down through the girls.  A blunt reminder that I need to take my job as house thermostat seriously.  We will have phases, some that are pleasant, some we wish to forget.  With four girls the drama level is guaranteed to be high.  But all the more reason for me to be on my game.  There is a saying that hubs has at his work: Assume Positive Intent (and I know that my friend Jess is going to bust out laughing at this reference).  I try to keep this thought in the back of my head as I confront a new behavior or issue.  My children only know how to be children.  My attitude towards them and this behavior is going to set the tone for how we deal and manage the situation.  I need to intentionally choose to approach them with love and understanding and at times firm guidance and discipline.  I am the adult, I have more control over my reactions and emotions and therefore it is up to me to provide a safe place for my children to explore their own feelings and to learn how to take charge of their own reactions.

My friends, how well do you do at being your house thermostat?  What is the climate like in your home?Have you run across a situation where you know your attitude towards your child could have been better?  Or do you do a good job at this?  What sort of suggestions do you have for mama's who want to improve?