Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My "Thing"

I hate feeling like I've let my kids down. It's an inevitable part of parenthood I suppose. No one is perfect and I do feel that it is an integral part of being a parent. Kids need to see us make mistakes and own up to them and make them right. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Of course, it doesn't help that I beat myself up over it too, long after the affront has been forgotten by the princesses. My word for the year keeps hanging over my head. If I'm teaching my kids that I'm human and am going to make mistakes at times, I need to be better about allowing myself that grace as well, right?

Today, it was something small. Well, it felt big in the moment, but years from now it won't even matter. Shoot, for all I know it doesn't even matter now. And yet still, I hate that I screwed up. Why is that?

My theory? Everyone has "a thing". Something they're passionate about. The environment, politics, social justice... and those are just the biggies. There are a bazillion other little things that we choose to be passionate about, to research, promote, to devote our lives to or sometimes just a season of our lives. Right now, my life is defined by my actions as a parent. I live, eat and breathe parenthood. Everything in my world, everything revolves around my family. Even carving time out for myself still depends on my family's needs and current situations. My thing IS family. And no one likes to fail at "their thing". No one likes to make a mistake while doing "their thing". So when I make a boo boo, even a little one, it stings a bit.

The problem lies in the fact that because my "thing" is essentially life - day in and day out, mistakes are bound to happen. So I'm thinking it's time to not put all my eggs in one basket. Diversify so to speak. I want to rock parenthood, for sure. That will always be my top "thing". But there's more to me. And I want to know that even if I biff it in one area of my life one day, I've got other parts of me that are successful and meaningful. I want to be a well rounded person. I want my girls to grow up and see me passionate about things outside the 4 walls of our home. I want them to see me devote time not only to our family, but to myself and my personal interests as well. Because if I take time for myself and to pursue my passions I believe it sends a message to my girls that I'm worth that time and energy - and they are too, and deserve that in life as well.

So we'll see where this leaves me. I wrote a month or so ago about taking a big jump. And I did. Only I've been treading water ever since. It's time to get my snorkel on and dive a little deeper I think. I've got passions calling my name, and little girls that need to see their mama pursue (and achieve) a dream.

2 comments:

  1. I completely agree! Your girls need to see their strong and passionate mother be successful in many things. You are rocking the parenting platform and now it is time to rock another.

    I just stuck my toe in my personal "new me" pool and it can be a bit intimidating to swim all the while thinking about all that needs to be done for my little people. Since having a daughter I find myself re-framing things. How do I want to be seen through my daughter's eyes? My son has seen me fight for him and slay dragons that got in our way. Now, what does my daughter need from me. She needs to see that women can do anything they set their minds to... just like their male counterparts. For me, and my sanity, that means that I am working five hours a week at the church writing curriculum and coordinating our special needs program. High powered executive status will just have to wait... possibly forever. I just have my big toe in the pool, but it is better than being hydrophobic or just refusing to get a little wet. :)

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  2. Oh, I think about that too...and trying to find some kind of freakish balance in it all...I haven't found that yet...needless to say! But go, girl! Dive deep and look for the treasures ahead of you! I am so proud of you for taking the plunge! And your babies get to see their mama pursue something so meaningful for you that stems from your bringing them into the world!

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